He’s Just Not That Into You .... She’s Just Not That Into You
SO ... Why Do We Sometimes Act Like Social Idiots?
After my last night out with friends I had to include this here for all of you to enjoy a laugh not just at me but perhaps with me and others you know.
Once again out at the usual club with the not so usual suspects. I woke up this morning in bed alone. I hadn’t gotten “lucky”. Sometimes that happens.
Though some nights I just have a good time I actually did find myself last night zeroing in on one particular individual with whom I had previously enjoyed a sort of date, that is, drinks and conversation.
I would begin here to describe this fabulous specimen of a man, but I would be too wordy and bore you. I was also reminded by my bff this morning that “beauty is in the eye” and she didn’t think he was all that.
I could have spent way more time then I did glancing over at him, making eye contact, chatting and even begging the man to dance with me. Yes I did say begging...
I do remember saying something to him about the song the band was playing being my favorite, and telling him he must dance with me. He could not say no, and something like,"I’m begging” or “Please don’t make me beg you.” came out of my mouth.
Ahhh crap! Now THAT is embarrassing to admit!
Now for a brief history. This man has already demonstrated clearly on two or three separate occasions that he is "JUST NOT THAT INTO ME".
As I have said I am a mature woman with my share of experiences.
I knew that it was a total waste of time and sheer stupidity to pursue even a one night stand with this hunk of heaven. But in a slightly altered state of mind last night, pursue his ass I did.
I did not go so far as to invite him home, but in “begging” him to dance with me.
OMG! My stomach does flips when I think about it even after twenty four hours.
I picture myself from a sort of aerial view watching my self go through this pathetic invitation to simply move to music with this man on the dance floor.
Do I sound needy,desperate,psycho...? All of the above?
Before you judge though, I ask you this. Can you,have you imagined or had a moment when you KNEW you had gone WAY OVERBOARD in your advances of some beautiful person who had absolutely no interest in you and never would?
Is it courage or fear that brings us to this place?
I am an optimist and a believer in hope and in miracles... so I took the leap.
I submit to you that all of us who go to clubs “club stalk” people often enough that we find ourselves laying in bed that night wondering “What the hell was I thinking?”
Overt flirting, club stalking and other idiotic behavior is common even among those of us who are “mature,” And/or “otherwise successful” and “Independent”.
We see something, someone we want and we may either turn into babbling idiots,or needy five year olds.
Yes, I think even MR.KOOL the man I was pursuing last night, has probably had his moments of rejection. Even the best of us has been politely avoided, or overtly ignored despite our pursuits.
Whether it be the sexy bartender, or the one who looks like surfer boy, or the distinguished gentlemen in the corner, or the man sitting at the end of the bar alone, the traps are there and we fall right into them. Sure we all have our own forms that attract us.
I have had men drool over my boobs, my ass, my hair, my neck, and even my thick ankles!
Now, the fat ankle thing was a real surprise but it IS true.!
And,you?
Who have you focused in on... blonde Barbie, or a sultry brunette, plump and sweet or thin and fit ? I know you have been there right where I was last night. Maybe not so far as to have butterflies in your stomach but a definite magnetic attraction to the person in front of you or across the room. Maybe you haven’t even heard their voice but all the other people in that place in that time fade into a fog and it is just the two of you exchanging tentative glances and then it begins. The well thought out strategy or the spontaneous "oh well, what the heck,I’m going for it!“
What is IT?... that chemical reaction that causes this attraction?? You are not quite sure but you very definitely have to go there. What is it that they say in twelve steps meetings.?.. You have a “BURNING DESIRE !?”
It is an itch that must be scratched, a treat that must be grasped.
Mine, last night, was a handsome,well educated,polite,intelligent man who has a smile you could die for and skin you want to lick because you imagine deep down...no,you KNOW...it is decadently sweet and hot.
So on the dance floor, and then later in a good bye conversation when I decided I MUST return to acting somewhat normal because I was getting no where, I gently kissed him on the side of his neck under his ear..(to me the sexiest part of any man’s body), and told him to have a good golf game this morning. You see he had used his early tee time as an excuse to gently blow me off.
I was not devastated only disappointed. I had been luckier when I was younger and had lived through only a couple of rejections always to move on to someone, something, even more wonderful...
So why is it that we act like idiots for the object of our affections?
Women or men you have all done it at least once and I would guess a lot more.
There are stranger stupid acts that follow break ups, but the club stalking, flirtatious behavior that can get really annoying to someone who isn’t interested in us at all, is a matter to be looked at,studied and since it is just plain human nature laughed at over and over again.
SO I hope that my Mr.McDreamy last night forgives me,feeds his ego with my compliments to him, and my naivete, if you can call it that, and that all the men who have fallen all over me delight in the thought that I too have made an idiot of myself in front of someone and was, politely this time, sent away alone. It’s all in the game. It is all part of the social scene in the past, now, and probably will be forever and always.
"He’s Just Not That Into You", isn’t a new concept. We are simply becoming more aware.
You may be a yummy butter pecan and your special McDreamy prefers sumptuous chocolate. It doesn’t make butter pecan any less delicious.
It is all a matter of taste after all.
Though some of us have less experience with rejection then others, we have all been there.
Don’t ask why...Just remember there is another bus coming down the road. You just can’t see it yet.
Magic is moments away.
Get out there and dance....Life IS Good!
(copyright April 2010)
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Women Know
We live each others' pain,
so we do not have to look at our own.
You know it.
I know it.
We hide.
Some in our work,
Some in the flesh of the man we give our wetness to,
Some in our fantasies of wealth or riches,
Or the ripeness of another woman's lips,
In our striving for independence,,,
Or the soft fuzzy faces of the pets that greet us at the door or sleep in our
beds
We allow ourselves to settle.
Even as we live our strength,
Our competency,
Our efficiency,
Our control.
We were pure once.
We gave our hearts away.
We try to forget the pain.
We bury it.
Not everyday...
We don't have to
It is buried so deep
We forget to remember.
We live.
We laugh.
We love ...maybe.
We seek out our sisters.
We listen.
We share,
But not too much
Never that much,
Not the whole package of pain.
Not all the "I'm sorrys" that
we heard over and over again.
We dare not see it,
Or give it life one more time.
Afraid that we will fail to slay it again., survive it again.
Shhhhhhhh.....
It's ok my sister.
It is all right.
I know you lost your self back then.
I lost myself too.
We go on.
We feel joy.
We finally find the Divinity within.
But we dare not acknowledge it enough to give it away again.
NOT LIKE WE DID BEFORE,
Not like so very long ago.
It can never be the way that it was.
I can never be the way that I was.
You can never be the way that you were.
Purity,
Innocence,
We sample a taste sometimes,
Sometimes we allow ourselves to remember.
Then we let it go.
It can never happen again.
It can never be as it was.
You know it....
I know it.
Feel my pain,
I will feel yours.
But we dare not allow ourselves to feel our own PAIN again.
Life is too short.
We need to be strong women.
We can never really let go of all of those empty, ..."I'm sorrys."
We just can't.
They changed us forever.
Every woman knows it.
I know it.
You know it.
2012
Friday, September 9, 2011
9-11 LET US NOT FORGET
I AM A NEW YORKER
I AM A NEW YORKER
I may not live there now but I was born there.
I AM A NEW YORKER
I slept as a child to its
streets humming with traffic,
to the clink of the token into the el train turn style
I heard
Its subways screech
Its cash registers buzz
its church bells ring
Its ferries signal their going out and their coming in
I AM A NEW YORKER
I looked up at
its neon lights
its peoples’ worn, determined faces
it trees
its great lady in the harbor
its skyscrapers standing strong and eminent
its pigeons perched
its museums filled with inspiration
Its theaters filled with tears, and laughter and music and dance
its shop windows filled with magic and promise and wishes
I AM A NEW YORKER
I smelled its smoke
its hot dogs and pretzels
its chestnuts and gyros
its pizza and egg rolls
ts briny river water
Its factory pollution
the urine in its stairway corners
its warm musty subway stations at once both repulsive and comforting
I AM A NEW YORKER
I hear its calls now
I am glued to the news of this nightmare
With one objective eye I try to make sense of it
while the other eye is blinded by my tears
I see it, and I take it in
I see it and I cannot bear to take it in
I AM A NEW YORKER
I look at a black smoky abyss in the middle of MY City and my body feels beaten in
Like that empty pit when your lover has left you
that empty pit that cannot be filled with tears or hugs or reassurances.
I contemplate what may never feel real to me.
I am violated.
As if someone burned down my home with my family in it and I had to watch .
And there was nothing I could do
They lost there lives there.
People just like myself
People who worked hard everyday to do the right thing
To kiss their families hello and goodbye
To pay their bills and hope for something left over for that special celebration
People who came home every night tired and worn
But who set aside a smile for their husband or wife, or mother ,or dad, or daughter, or son,
or lover, or friend.
And then got up the next day and did the same all over again so they could go on making their list of dreams.
I AM A NEW YORKER
I knew them all so well.
The ones that could not run,or seeing the hopelessness of it,the ones that chose not to try.
The ones who lost there lives there
The heroic firemen,police, and so many more
They died there.
While I watched
They died.
I AM A NEW YORKER
The strength of my city could not save them
I hear
I see
I smell
I taste
I feel
Oh how I feel the pain !
I AM A NEW YORKER
I AM A CITIZEN OF THAT CITY
OF THIS GREAT COUNTRY
OF THIS TROUBLED WORLD
AND YOU ARE SO WITH ME
LET US NOT FORGET
9-11- 2001
Let US remember together
As I AM you are,
As you are I AM.
Written by Maria Kelly (copyright)
September 17,2001
I AM A NEW YORKER
I may not live there now but I was born there.
I AM A NEW YORKER
I slept as a child to its
streets humming with traffic,
to the clink of the token into the el train turn style
I heard
Its subways screech
Its cash registers buzz
its church bells ring
Its ferries signal their going out and their coming in
I AM A NEW YORKER
I looked up at
its neon lights
its peoples’ worn, determined faces
it trees
its great lady in the harbor
its skyscrapers standing strong and eminent
its pigeons perched
its museums filled with inspiration
Its theaters filled with tears, and laughter and music and dance
its shop windows filled with magic and promise and wishes
I AM A NEW YORKER
I smelled its smoke
its hot dogs and pretzels
its chestnuts and gyros
its pizza and egg rolls
ts briny river water
Its factory pollution
the urine in its stairway corners
its warm musty subway stations at once both repulsive and comforting
I AM A NEW YORKER
I hear its calls now
I am glued to the news of this nightmare
With one objective eye I try to make sense of it
while the other eye is blinded by my tears
I see it, and I take it in
I see it and I cannot bear to take it in
I AM A NEW YORKER
I look at a black smoky abyss in the middle of MY City and my body feels beaten in
Like that empty pit when your lover has left you
that empty pit that cannot be filled with tears or hugs or reassurances.
I contemplate what may never feel real to me.
I am violated.
As if someone burned down my home with my family in it and I had to watch .
And there was nothing I could do
They lost there lives there.
People just like myself
People who worked hard everyday to do the right thing
To kiss their families hello and goodbye
To pay their bills and hope for something left over for that special celebration
People who came home every night tired and worn
But who set aside a smile for their husband or wife, or mother ,or dad, or daughter, or son,
or lover, or friend.
And then got up the next day and did the same all over again so they could go on making their list of dreams.
I AM A NEW YORKER
I knew them all so well.
The ones that could not run,or seeing the hopelessness of it,the ones that chose not to try.
The ones who lost there lives there
The heroic firemen,police, and so many more
They died there.
While I watched
They died.
I AM A NEW YORKER
The strength of my city could not save them
I hear
I see
I smell
I taste
I feel
Oh how I feel the pain !
I AM A NEW YORKER
I AM A CITIZEN OF THAT CITY
OF THIS GREAT COUNTRY
OF THIS TROUBLED WORLD
AND YOU ARE SO WITH ME
LET US NOT FORGET
9-11- 2001
Let US remember together
As I AM you are,
As you are I AM.
Written by Maria Kelly (copyright)
September 17,2001
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Computer Terms and Technology
First let me make it perfectly clear that this is in its entirety a copy of what I thought might be a helpful,educational piece about computer terms.
It appeared on AOL DISCOVERY on October 24,2010.
Kudos to the writer who obviously has a much clearer understanding of all of this.
I read it through twice. I retained, perhaps a minuscule part of it. And then, I gave up.
Let me again give credit to the writer of the classic "GONE WITH THE WIND" when I say that my response after a second reading and complete, "HUH ?!?!" Is:
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a DAMN."
Congrats to all of you average women and men who do.
If you are an IT expert, excuse yourself and the simplicity of this article.
What does "IT" mean anyway?
______________________________________________________________________________________
Computer Terms You Should Know
------------------------------
Keep Your Computer Healthy
AOL is pleased to introduce AOL Computer Checkup Premium to help boost performance and make your computer run like new. And you can try it free for 30 days*, after which it's only $4.99 per month.
• Helps your computer run faster
• Cleans up system clutter
• Reduces error messages
• Increases performance
Find out more
By clicking "Try it now," you agree to our Terms and Conditions and Payment Terms. Scroll down or click here for details.
If you're an AOL member, we will bill you using the method of payment we have on file for your account. If not, it's easy to sign up with any email address.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Computer Terms You Should Know
The famous computer scientist Bjarne Stroustrup once said, “There’s an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone.”
As technology evolves, advanced computers and other tech devices appear more complicated and intimidating to the average user. In the event of a malfunction, most users who are limited in tech knowhow dread the call to tech support and frequently lug in their systems to computer stores where professionals can resolve the issue for a hefty price.
As “Sam,” a security engineer and technology expert who wishes to remain anonymous because of his job, explains, “Unfortunately, computers and operating systems are extremely complex devices. It's very easy to be intimidated at the complexity…and they have gotten progressively more complex over the last 20-plus years.” It’s so common apparently that cyberphobia, which the Free Dictionary defines as “the irrational fear of computers and technology,” is a typical occurrence.
Computer knowledge and maintenance
When traveling in a foreign country, it’s always helpful to learn a few everyday words and phrases, and the world of computers is no different. Words such as ‘RAM’ or ‘screenshot’ or ‘cache,’ for example, are common phrases with which average computer users should familiarize themselves.
You can also perform routine maintenance on your computer without getting technical. There are a host of easy-to-use at-home programs available that can help make your computer healthier. Computer Checkup Premium and System Mechanic, for example, help fix and speed up your computer and boost performance.
Popular tech terms
A majority of Americans own computers, yet the average user doesn’t know what ‘URL’ stands for (it’s Uniform Resource Locator, by the way -- a fancy term for an Internet address). Though most users have come a long way since the early days of the digital age when they mistook the CD-ROM drive for a cup holder, many are still baffled by tech-speak. Mastering just a handful of definitions may help users bridge the wide gap between the experts and the rest of us.
Firewall: A part of your network, a firewall allows certain communications to get through while blocking others. As Sam explains, “[Think of] a firewall as a doorman that stands outside your home (computer). It prevents unwanted users from just walking in to your home, and (with Windows 7 and Vista) checks that strangers that snuck into your home are allowed to leave.”
Malware: Malware is a catch-all phrase for viruses, adware and Trojans, which can cause damage to your computer. The best way to prevent malware from infecting your system is to regularly update your anti-virus program.
Cache: Your web cache stores all your web browsing info. You should clear your cache every so often to free up space on your hard drive and help protect your privacy.
RAM: Random-access memory (RAM) is a type of computer memory. “RAM is memory, and hard drive is space. Users often get these two mixed up,” our tech expert, Sam, says. “The best analogy I have is a room: RAM is the height of a room, and hard drive space is the square footage. The greater the ceiling height (RAM), the easier it is to move items (programs) around the floor (hard drive).” When you receive messages that your computer is low on memory, it’s usually time to add more RAM.
CPU: The Central Processing Unit (or more commonly, processor) is basically your computer’s 'brain,' which processes all the information. About.com sums it up best by saying that it’s “responsible for interpreting and executing most of the commands from the computer's hardware and software.”
HTTP and HTTPS: HTTP, or hypertext transfer protocol, is the standard prefix used for website addresses. HTTPS (Hypertext transport protocol secure), on the other hand, signals that the website you have visited is secure. When browsing bank, credit card or shopping websites online, for example, look for ‘HTTPS’ before entering any sensitive information.
Defrag: As we reported earlier, hard drives eventually become fragmented with daily wear and tear -- meaning that files are scattered and stored in various locations, rather than being neatly lined up on the drive. Hence, it’s important to “defrag” your hard drive, which basically reorganizes the files correctly so your computer can access them more quickly.
______________________________________________________________________________________
So That's ALL FOLKS. I hope you GOT all of that !
I remain a computer illiterate.
It appeared on AOL DISCOVERY on October 24,2010.
Kudos to the writer who obviously has a much clearer understanding of all of this.
I read it through twice. I retained, perhaps a minuscule part of it. And then, I gave up.
Let me again give credit to the writer of the classic "GONE WITH THE WIND" when I say that my response after a second reading and complete, "HUH ?!?!" Is:
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a DAMN."
Congrats to all of you average women and men who do.
If you are an IT expert, excuse yourself and the simplicity of this article.
What does "IT" mean anyway?
______________________________________________________________________________________
Computer Terms You Should Know
------------------------------
Keep Your Computer Healthy
AOL is pleased to introduce AOL Computer Checkup Premium to help boost performance and make your computer run like new. And you can try it free for 30 days*, after which it's only $4.99 per month.
• Helps your computer run faster
• Cleans up system clutter
• Reduces error messages
• Increases performance
Find out more
By clicking "Try it now," you agree to our Terms and Conditions and Payment Terms. Scroll down or click here for details.
If you're an AOL member, we will bill you using the method of payment we have on file for your account. If not, it's easy to sign up with any email address.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Computer Terms You Should Know
The famous computer scientist Bjarne Stroustrup once said, “There’s an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone.”
As technology evolves, advanced computers and other tech devices appear more complicated and intimidating to the average user. In the event of a malfunction, most users who are limited in tech knowhow dread the call to tech support and frequently lug in their systems to computer stores where professionals can resolve the issue for a hefty price.
As “Sam,” a security engineer and technology expert who wishes to remain anonymous because of his job, explains, “Unfortunately, computers and operating systems are extremely complex devices. It's very easy to be intimidated at the complexity…and they have gotten progressively more complex over the last 20-plus years.” It’s so common apparently that cyberphobia, which the Free Dictionary defines as “the irrational fear of computers and technology,” is a typical occurrence.
Computer knowledge and maintenance
When traveling in a foreign country, it’s always helpful to learn a few everyday words and phrases, and the world of computers is no different. Words such as ‘RAM’ or ‘screenshot’ or ‘cache,’ for example, are common phrases with which average computer users should familiarize themselves.
You can also perform routine maintenance on your computer without getting technical. There are a host of easy-to-use at-home programs available that can help make your computer healthier. Computer Checkup Premium and System Mechanic, for example, help fix and speed up your computer and boost performance.
Popular tech terms
A majority of Americans own computers, yet the average user doesn’t know what ‘URL’ stands for (it’s Uniform Resource Locator, by the way -- a fancy term for an Internet address). Though most users have come a long way since the early days of the digital age when they mistook the CD-ROM drive for a cup holder, many are still baffled by tech-speak. Mastering just a handful of definitions may help users bridge the wide gap between the experts and the rest of us.
Firewall: A part of your network, a firewall allows certain communications to get through while blocking others. As Sam explains, “[Think of] a firewall as a doorman that stands outside your home (computer). It prevents unwanted users from just walking in to your home, and (with Windows 7 and Vista) checks that strangers that snuck into your home are allowed to leave.”
Malware: Malware is a catch-all phrase for viruses, adware and Trojans, which can cause damage to your computer. The best way to prevent malware from infecting your system is to regularly update your anti-virus program.
Cache: Your web cache stores all your web browsing info. You should clear your cache every so often to free up space on your hard drive and help protect your privacy.
RAM: Random-access memory (RAM) is a type of computer memory. “RAM is memory, and hard drive is space. Users often get these two mixed up,” our tech expert, Sam, says. “The best analogy I have is a room: RAM is the height of a room, and hard drive space is the square footage. The greater the ceiling height (RAM), the easier it is to move items (programs) around the floor (hard drive).” When you receive messages that your computer is low on memory, it’s usually time to add more RAM.
CPU: The Central Processing Unit (or more commonly, processor) is basically your computer’s 'brain,' which processes all the information. About.com sums it up best by saying that it’s “responsible for interpreting and executing most of the commands from the computer's hardware and software.”
HTTP and HTTPS: HTTP, or hypertext transfer protocol, is the standard prefix used for website addresses. HTTPS (Hypertext transport protocol secure), on the other hand, signals that the website you have visited is secure. When browsing bank, credit card or shopping websites online, for example, look for ‘HTTPS’ before entering any sensitive information.
Defrag: As we reported earlier, hard drives eventually become fragmented with daily wear and tear -- meaning that files are scattered and stored in various locations, rather than being neatly lined up on the drive. Hence, it’s important to “defrag” your hard drive, which basically reorganizes the files correctly so your computer can access them more quickly.
______________________________________________________________________________________
So That's ALL FOLKS. I hope you GOT all of that !
I remain a computer illiterate.
Monday, April 5, 2010
COCO Before Chanel: The Movie
Note:I have posted this blog entry on both of my blogs. Redundant? Or worth the repetition? Judge for yourself.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I watched this movie this evening.
It was a relaxing end to an Easter Day that was somewhat reflective.
There were many good lines in this movie...
"Love is best in Fairy Tales." was one of them.
Now, that is food for thought,isn't it?
We spend our adult lives looking for the right person. We pursue LOVE, a relationship and we judge ourselves according to whether or not we "have" a relationship, and how well it is going.
But this question poses a serious consideration.
Is love,True LOVE, Romantic LOVE , the Perfect LOVE with that, at least, almost perfect person, just a fantasy?
Is it just the fodder of fairy tales?
I had always thought not. But I had been blinded by my own perception of the person(s) I chose to love and to love me.
In fairy tales the end is always the happily ever after, isn't it?
It is not, what another line in this movies proposes.
"What does it feel like to be in love?" is the question, and the answer in this movie and perhaps in all of life is: " Love hurts, hurts, hurts."
Of course we know that the feeling of love produces brain chemistry that makes us feel really good,sometimes euphoric BUT love does hurt doesn't it? Because another person can never ever satisfy all our emotional needs,nor should they be expected to.
But expect them to, we do.
We are NOT perfect but we seek perfection in our lovers, and spouses. We expect them always to know what we are thinking, what we need, and,even, to read our minds.
We voice our disappointment when they do not live up to our perception of what I once read is called the,"GIANT SELF."
If they fib to us in an attempt to make themselves more loved and acceptable to us, we accuse them of lying. But who of us has not at least once or twice exaggerated a story just a tweak to make ourselves look better in someone else's eyes.
None of us is perfect, yet we expect perfection.
I am guilty of all of this.
As a woman I have found myself looking for faults in the seemingly "perfect" partner.
If you look for faults in anything in life but especially in the people closest to you, you will find them.
We are harsh judges.
Why is that? When most of our religions teach us to be compassionate, understanding, merciful? Perhaps it is base human nature.
As it is that in beginning stages of any relationship things seem perfect. Even the most hideous of our habits are charming to our new love. With time and familiarity those very same habits become annoyances.
We are strange creatures,human beings. All of this is because even though we are Spiritual beings, we exist in this time and place in human form.
Human form with all its flaws and imperfections.
As a romantic I still have hope that some day someone will love me even with my faults and flaws. That they will over look my foolish exaggerations, they will forgive that I snort when I laugh heartily, and maybe even that I snore.
In this movie, about the earlier years of Coco Chanel, she is determined to never marry.
Coco Chanel never did marry, though she did, as portrayed in this movie, fall in love.
She considered love somewhat of a foolish emotion. Perhaps she was far wiser then myself.
Foolish as it may be, we crave being loved. We desire to be in unity with GOD and with another human being.
We convince ourselves we don't need it, don't want it, but eventually IT is there.
There is a moment when we make a decision to love.
It is my experience that in that moment when we make a subconscious decision to once again return to the neediness of twelve year old little girls, or fifteen year old little boys, we make a decision to trust.
Trust.
Have you thought about the enormity, the power of that one word, that concept???
Yet, at some point,outside of the fairy tale,in real life we walk to that cliff and we feel ourselves falling. In that moment of pure insanity we decide to allow ourselves not just to fall off that cliff. In that moment we decide to jump and in that moment of deciding to jump we hope with all our Faith and with all our TRUST that we will FLY.
But as a sometimes skeptic, perhaps the other line in this movie that struck me is more accurate. "The most interesting thing about being in love is making love. Too bad you need a guy to do that."
Now,lesbian relationships, aside,,, and please if you are a man insert the word "woman" for the word "guy" in the above sentence. (I'm sure Coco Chanel would not mind.)
Then tell me... IS love best in fairy tales?
I only wish I could be absolutely sure.
I still pursue the reckless abandon of it.
You will probably one day find me, if you haven't already, standing on the edge of that cliff hoping to fly. Part of my human nature deceives me into believing that, apart from all of you who fail in it, I will soar.
My love will be the happily ever after.
And so the folly of this human dilemma.
I wish you all the exuberant joy of that fabulous fall.
I'm only human, after all.
I say,"Go for it!"
Life is so Good.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was a relaxing end to an Easter Day that was somewhat reflective.
There were many good lines in this movie...
"Love is best in Fairy Tales." was one of them.
Now, that is food for thought,isn't it?
We spend our adult lives looking for the right person. We pursue LOVE, a relationship and we judge ourselves according to whether or not we "have" a relationship, and how well it is going.
But this question poses a serious consideration.
Is love,True LOVE, Romantic LOVE , the Perfect LOVE with that, at least, almost perfect person, just a fantasy?
Is it just the fodder of fairy tales?
I had always thought not. But I had been blinded by my own perception of the person(s) I chose to love and to love me.
In fairy tales the end is always the happily ever after, isn't it?
It is not, what another line in this movies proposes.
"What does it feel like to be in love?" is the question, and the answer in this movie and perhaps in all of life is: " Love hurts, hurts, hurts."
Of course we know that the feeling of love produces brain chemistry that makes us feel really good,sometimes euphoric BUT love does hurt doesn't it? Because another person can never ever satisfy all our emotional needs,nor should they be expected to.
But expect them to, we do.
We are NOT perfect but we seek perfection in our lovers, and spouses. We expect them always to know what we are thinking, what we need, and,even, to read our minds.
We voice our disappointment when they do not live up to our perception of what I once read is called the,"GIANT SELF."
If they fib to us in an attempt to make themselves more loved and acceptable to us, we accuse them of lying. But who of us has not at least once or twice exaggerated a story just a tweak to make ourselves look better in someone else's eyes.
None of us is perfect, yet we expect perfection.
I am guilty of all of this.
As a woman I have found myself looking for faults in the seemingly "perfect" partner.
If you look for faults in anything in life but especially in the people closest to you, you will find them.
We are harsh judges.
Why is that? When most of our religions teach us to be compassionate, understanding, merciful? Perhaps it is base human nature.
As it is that in beginning stages of any relationship things seem perfect. Even the most hideous of our habits are charming to our new love. With time and familiarity those very same habits become annoyances.
We are strange creatures,human beings. All of this is because even though we are Spiritual beings, we exist in this time and place in human form.
Human form with all its flaws and imperfections.
As a romantic I still have hope that some day someone will love me even with my faults and flaws. That they will over look my foolish exaggerations, they will forgive that I snort when I laugh heartily, and maybe even that I snore.
In this movie, about the earlier years of Coco Chanel, she is determined to never marry.
Coco Chanel never did marry, though she did, as portrayed in this movie, fall in love.
She considered love somewhat of a foolish emotion. Perhaps she was far wiser then myself.
Foolish as it may be, we crave being loved. We desire to be in unity with GOD and with another human being.
We convince ourselves we don't need it, don't want it, but eventually IT is there.
There is a moment when we make a decision to love.
It is my experience that in that moment when we make a subconscious decision to once again return to the neediness of twelve year old little girls, or fifteen year old little boys, we make a decision to trust.
Trust.
Have you thought about the enormity, the power of that one word, that concept???
Yet, at some point,outside of the fairy tale,in real life we walk to that cliff and we feel ourselves falling. In that moment of pure insanity we decide to allow ourselves not just to fall off that cliff. In that moment we decide to jump and in that moment of deciding to jump we hope with all our Faith and with all our TRUST that we will FLY.
But as a sometimes skeptic, perhaps the other line in this movie that struck me is more accurate. "The most interesting thing about being in love is making love. Too bad you need a guy to do that."
Now,lesbian relationships, aside,,, and please if you are a man insert the word "woman" for the word "guy" in the above sentence. (I'm sure Coco Chanel would not mind.)
Then tell me... IS love best in fairy tales?
I only wish I could be absolutely sure.
I still pursue the reckless abandon of it.
You will probably one day find me, if you haven't already, standing on the edge of that cliff hoping to fly. Part of my human nature deceives me into believing that, apart from all of you who fail in it, I will soar.
My love will be the happily ever after.
And so the folly of this human dilemma.
I wish you all the exuberant joy of that fabulous fall.
I'm only human, after all.
I say,"Go for it!"
Life is so Good.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Become a FOLLOWER !!!
Thanks ALL for your positive comments.
However some of you are having trouble with the comments format.
It's ok. Just click on Become a Follower then select private or public.
It will give me an idea of who you are, and what you like to read here.
It also notifies online publishing sources that might be interested in my writing that I already have "fans."
Thanks.
Make Memories !!!
Life is GOOD !
However some of you are having trouble with the comments format.
It's ok. Just click on Become a Follower then select private or public.
It will give me an idea of who you are, and what you like to read here.
It also notifies online publishing sources that might be interested in my writing that I already have "fans."
Thanks.
Make Memories !!!
Life is GOOD !
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The "WOW FACTOR"
Dating : Exploring The “WOW” Factor
I promised this Blog entry under a different Blog title some time ago.
But I am blogging it here because this advice, is strategic to the success of any relationship. It is not ADULT CONTENT... but it raises questions and gives answers that require the mature content of an adult mind, as rare as that maturity may seem at times.
So let’s get down to it.
The “WOW Factor” has been discussed by other Life Coach and Dating Specialists as advice to woman only. It has been touted as another task for women to perform to keep their man.
Women I have spoken to often complain that these dating and relationship gurus often point out that it is the woman’s responsibility to keep the relationship together.
It falls to her. The implication is that men are incapable of controlling their animalistic, primal instinct and in their selfish self focused voids, they will inevitably attempt to satisfy their insecure ego and their need to enjoy a sexual smorgasbord.
The “WOW” has been said to be the one thing that makes a relationship lasting. So this WOW FACTOR requires that a woman make her man feel like he is her SUPER HERO.
First let me weigh in personally on this matter.
I’m NOT buying into it.! Well, at least I am not completely sold.
Yep, men have primal instincts,,, AND, now please hold on to your seats,...so do women! Especially before and after their need to mother their children. Women, if their hormones are healthy, enjoy variety too. Oh, and yes, women can be very visual as well. They can and some do enjoy sex. Surprise,Surprise.!
As mentioned in another blog the female body may be more pleasant in its curvature but the male body structure of strength, virility and angles,,, even if covered by a few extra pounds is pleasing to most women. SO it is definitely not necessary for men to cover up in,of course, the appropriate situations.
Sure the genders have their different ways of expressing and satisfying needs of all kinds but the basic NEEDS are the SAME!
Furthermore,implying that a man needs a “WOW FACTOR”,comprised of over exaggerated praises and insincere appreciation is rather condescending to male intelligence. Men don’t need to have their good behavior reinforced by a pat on the head like little boys or dogs. That said, genuine appreciation is always welcome.
Men may be wired differently then women but they are not stupid.!
The mature man can usually clearly discern when a woman is selling him a bill of goods trying to manipulate him into getting her what she wants... usually an engagement ring,a wedding, marriage and the security of his bank account.
Yes, it’s true,ladies...admit it!
Security is always a plus but
PRIMARILY WE ARE ALL LOOKING TO BE LOVED !
We all want to be
accepted,
respected,
appreciated,
supported emotionally,
valued
validated.
And then there are a whole lot more women out there, especially the ones still in their child bearing years, who long to be “taken care of”. To be spoiled princesses on one level or another ..raise the kids with help if possible,go get their nails done, shop for nice clothes and shoes, drive a classy car, and be the center of their man’s universe... Children or a child are often used as the GOLDEN TICKET.
To these women success is synonymous with a “good catch” ... a man who provides well, and in doing so feeds their self esteem, and their desire to stay sheltered at home.
Now before you start complaining that I am against motherhood and women who choose to stay at home to raise their children rather then contribute to the household coffers, let me be clear.
A child/children NEED a parent, and preferably two to offer them the nurturing care, guidance and discipline they need to grow into healthy adults. And many women are wonderful at doing that and only that and are happy. It is after all a very full time job when done well... in fact it is many full time jobs.
Other women need and thrive on the feedback of the outside world’s kudos, they cannot breathe without a career..., still others as mentioned above are on a mission to get married and stay home to care for themselves and their children in that order.
Self nurturing is of course necessary for all of us. But there are women who go about setting themselves up to fail at jobs, and to find men who enjoy the idea of children and demand from their husbands a soft cushion of luxury without a thought to contributing to the home environment in anyway, except to physically be there.
It surprises me how many women today actually can still trap a man into marriage by getting pregnant with his child. No more shot guns or angry fathers necessary, simply pure hearted men expected to do the RIGHT thing and make a family out of what was initially a good time full of fun dates and great sex. But perhaps that is another subject.
Back to the WOW thing.
It really should exist BUT it should exist in a relationship in BOTH directions for both genders.It should be much more then exaggerated compliments,much,much more.
Let me explain.
As mentioned above there are certain needs in relationships that are the same for both men and women with perhaps a bit of different emphasis on different needs depending on the gender. But perhaps not.
Is there anyone who exists out there who when in a relationship does not hope to feel like they belong, are accepted,respected,appreciated, desired,supported emotionally, valued and validated!?
Women perhaps are more aware of their needs, or at least verbalize or act out more within the framework of the couple when they don’t feel that their needs are being met. In other words, they are more apt to want to communicate it in various ways, and sometimes act moody and /or bitch about things to their spouse as things between them digress..
A man on the other hand may find himself staring at pornography on the computer, or kissing a coworker before he realizes that one of these things must have been missing somewhere between he and his partner or wife.
I submit to you that the “WOW FACTOR “ is no easy accomplishment. It involves all those things mentioned. and it involves them honestly,regularly,consistently and faithfully executed with only little “bleeps” or “Oopses” allowed.
Yeah, you can screw up for a short time on one or the other of these things, but continually omit one or another of this magic WOW recipe and YOU have problems... ‘cause somebody is not communicating and that means somebody isn’t getting his or her needs met..
When a man or a woman doesn't get what is needed, it is human nature to escape, to run and hide in new directions.
Unmet needs stir up all kinds of negative subconscious fears the most powerful of all being,”fear of abandonment /loss.”
When needs are not met we begin to fall into a transitional grief process that reminds us that we are all always vulnerable and that we are not immortal.
Our unconscious fear translates to discomfort which has to be quelled.
Now for women those escapes or detours may be more “innocent”..
We are wired differently after all to some extent. As I mentioned,we will usually try to communicate our needs first, if not always articulating them in the proper manner. But women do try to communicate and will almost draw pictures for their man before they move away from him to someone else.
Look for the signs.
If we, as women, don’t feel loved and appreciated we may spend too much money buying whatever we please, eat or drink too much, go out too much with the girls,start disengaging at home, start spending more time with our computers or cell phones in our hands texting happily to any one who will listen even a man,,, especially a man who might have complimented us in some way before... HA ! Go figure! If we are ignoring the housework and sometimes even the children...we have a reason. Either we are sick or we are hurting and scared. And we are listening to that other guy who is convincing us that he can offer more or at least would be WOW’ed if we threw him a crumb. HMMMM.
Sure he probably just wants to get into our pants but he’s giving us what our man isn’t.
We begin to feel needed, desirable, and loved again..maybe just because OUR man didn’t tell us every single day that we look great in those jeans.
Alright so perhaps an over exaggeration ,but you get the picture.
Are women needy... especially when their life is centered at home on little people under age12 ? Hell, yes ! We forget who we are. We lose ourselves in school work, sniffling noses, clipping coupons, kids birthday parties, holiday gift shopping and washing your dirty underwear.!
When I personally have pulled what one of the men in my life termed “my Italian sassy” trying to get a man to see where he went wrong or how I am hurt by his action or inaction,,, he will usually stand there, watch my overly dramatic expression, arms waving, mouth flapping and he will eventually laugh. Yes. He laughs.
It is not usually my nature to be hysterical and dramatic, but even I have my moments.
So, in his shock at my behavior,he laughs.
Seriously this has happened to me more then once... after a sheepish.”I’m sorry” he will tell me that all he really heard was the first line of what I said, and then began to allow his eyes to wonder over my face and body and think how hot and attractive I am when I am passionately MAD at him. Apparently I am in these instances somewhat entertaining.!
But he never gets the point at that moment so my frustration continues.,until we calmly talk things through sometime later,usually before or after great sex.
Now, if a man doesn’t get what he needs in a relationship, he will, as I said,because of his, shall I call it “unique” wiring ? look to physical and competitive outlets.
ie:
Sports in excess either playing or watching, working out,work and over work, nights out with the guys, getting lost in home or car projects.
And somewhere in these moments or afterward, he also may begin to fantasize about the great sex he has missed out on for the years he’s been “committed” and the phenomenal beauties,past and present, he could have had. He fantasizes, as some women do, about the one that got away. Wouldn’t he have been far happier with her? Why did he break up with her anyway? Had he been mistaken, or foolish? Had he expected too much from that beautiful creature who adored him, and kissed the ground he walked on but didn’t have enough of an edge to keep his interest.
He never mentions this to his spouse. Cause,guess what? Most men aren’t that verbal, especially cause they have no clue what they are feeling at first.
Men aren’t brought up to recognize what they FEEL and more importantly to EXPRESS their feelings. Men always need time to process.
Interactions with other guys even close friends often go like this:
“DUDE,,, what’s up?”
“Nothing,dude. What’s up with you?”
“Oh nothing really, just work and stuff, you know.”
Acknowledging nods and end of conversation, or interject something about some sports team or event.
The last time most men had heart to hearts with there guy friends about anything philosophical was probably in college, if they went to college, or maybe on some night when no one was around and after a few beers someone brought up something that was floating around in his head, and some other guy had had enough alcohol to reduce his feelings filter.
So,for men, the computer and the TV is flipped on to desirable fantasies and when the WOW Factor is missing for too long , like beyond the birth of the first child and into the birth of the second child..., well,let’s just say a man is more apt to act on his own base desires and needs.
He looks for ANY woman to look him dead in the eye and tell him that he is the Best, the greatest, the most wonderful,,, and quite frankly this is enough for him to reconnect with the arousal he has so long been missing. Or she may just need to touch his nipples, show him hers, or brush up against his crotch.
Why do men cheat?
Because they can.. because intimate encounters to them often have far less to do with intimacy then satisfying the proverbial itch.......
They cheat when they feel they are entitled to reward themselves because they have been such exceptional providers and their wives and mother of their children will be willing to look the other way to maintain her lifestyle.
They cheat because they are in some way missing the “WOW Factor.”
Now I hear women saying,”BUT even when the kids were small I never said NO to him, not once did I deny his sexual needs.” And I always made his favorite dinners and waited up for him when he worked late.
This may all be true. But it wasn’t WOW enough.
Because the truth is that at some point in your relationship did you listen, could you listen to him describe how he shot the ball into hoop for that extra point,, or how expertly he drove the ball into the 7th hole,how he got the boss to do it better with the same enthusiasm you had way back when.?
Did you really listen like you would have when you first were dating?
Were you still, after two children, or one child and a job, able to show enthusiasm and gratitude for the house he strung with lights at Christmas time, or him carrying out the garbage, or locking up the doors on his way to bed at night to keep you safe.
There it is... You didn’t, you don’t, you couldn’t. you can’t because you have other priorities and because you thought that he GOT the fact that NOW you were his wife and his sports efforts aren’t so impressive to you any more. OK,,,so they never were that impressive but watching him describe them early on in the relationship with his eyes all wide and his face all aglow and that handsome smile kept you glued to him..He was hot and exciting then. You could get caught up in his enthusiasm... but now...?
Now you have to go nurse the baby and hopefully have the time to wash your hair.
Like wise, guys, you are no longer staring gleefully at your woman in the department store as she picks out a dress, ready to tell her how hot she will look in it..because you have other priorities,,,you are missing the game, and she is spending MORE of YOUR money and you never expected marriage to be sooo expensive and she won’t be tossing that dress off for you to get your fair share of your sexual needs met because she will be busy with the kids, housework,her career, or just too darn tired.
There aren’t any more “dates”. There are planned nights out with relatives and the same old friends.
There is no more sex on the kitchen floor. There is, in fact . little sex of any variation in bed.
There is no spontaneity anymore.
There is no more interest in what you did all day, because you both already KNOW each other all too well .
Still and yet there is hope.
If you both have a strong belief in your dedication to anything bigger then yourselves... that is, in the sacredness and sanctity of marriage. If you both BELIEVE in the GOOD of the Universe, God, in the part of GOD that is within each of you. If you look at SOUL and Spirit,
You can meet together at an apex of deepening dedication to the Greater Whole, and to each other.
Yes, here’s where the Spiritualism, where the religion comes in.
Believe in the value of each other as you have learned about it in Scripture, The Word, your book whatever YOUR book is, in the teachings of the Great Masters and valuing self and each other flows naturally.
This “WOW Factor” thing isn’t all that difficult, but it does take some effort to continue to stay focused on at least one thing that is greater then the two of you. The purity of LOVE requires a commitment to Self, and the ONENESS of the bond between the two of you.
Dedicate your life to a Higher Purpose, a Higher Power and each of you will find that dedication to each other will flow so much more freely.
It requires submission to EACH OTHER.
It requires an effort in time to understand.
It is not about being RIGHT. It is a matter of being willing to listen, to process, to hear, to validate, to communicate a desire to know what the other person is feeling, and to respect those feelings even when you don’t agree and/or don’t understand at that very moment.
It requires the same validations we needed as children to some degree.
Instead of harsh criticism and sarcasm it responds to kind words of appreciation, the thank yous, and the non sexual touches and hugs, the heart felt looks into each others eyes.
The acknowledgments that I know who you are, I know what you need and I care enough about you to listen and try to provide that for you.
I have not been for any length of time in such a “marriage”... though I have had such relationships for a time, before we lost our way.
I have not had the privilege of knowing a man who was willing to know me and to care enough about me to love me in such a way.
But I can tell you that I know that after being single for some time now and some months of celibacy that I am much clearer as to where I want to be emotionally when I next begin a relationship. I have learned to love genuinely and deeply without the sexual.
In the future, transition into a complete relationship will be so much easier.
I have learned through a good man and a good church what real love looks like.
It has been fascinating to me...thought provoking actually.
Without the “WOW Factor” a relationship cannot last.
Without a common dedication to GOD, to a Higher Power in our every day lives,true and lasting Love for each other cannot be sustained.
That’s the “WOW Factor” I am looking for now.
THINK ABOUT IT.
If you have the “Wow” in your relationship now, appreciate it.
If you have found that person that meets your needs, Intellectually, Physically,Emotionally, and Spiritually then you are, indeed, fortunate.
If not I hope you find him or her.
To find the “WOW”, I suggest that you look within your SELF... and then beyond your Self and that other person who you hope to partner with for the rest of your life.
I suggest that you both look UP.
There is something very “WOW FACTOR” about two people focusing their attention first on their Higher Power and then meeting in that commonality of mutual respect and devotion.
It takes time, it takes patience.
So it is said:”Love is patient.”
Go find it.
Life is Good.
I promised this Blog entry under a different Blog title some time ago.
But I am blogging it here because this advice, is strategic to the success of any relationship. It is not ADULT CONTENT... but it raises questions and gives answers that require the mature content of an adult mind, as rare as that maturity may seem at times.
So let’s get down to it.
The “WOW Factor” has been discussed by other Life Coach and Dating Specialists as advice to woman only. It has been touted as another task for women to perform to keep their man.
Women I have spoken to often complain that these dating and relationship gurus often point out that it is the woman’s responsibility to keep the relationship together.
It falls to her. The implication is that men are incapable of controlling their animalistic, primal instinct and in their selfish self focused voids, they will inevitably attempt to satisfy their insecure ego and their need to enjoy a sexual smorgasbord.
The “WOW” has been said to be the one thing that makes a relationship lasting. So this WOW FACTOR requires that a woman make her man feel like he is her SUPER HERO.
First let me weigh in personally on this matter.
I’m NOT buying into it.! Well, at least I am not completely sold.
Yep, men have primal instincts,,, AND, now please hold on to your seats,...so do women! Especially before and after their need to mother their children. Women, if their hormones are healthy, enjoy variety too. Oh, and yes, women can be very visual as well. They can and some do enjoy sex. Surprise,Surprise.!
As mentioned in another blog the female body may be more pleasant in its curvature but the male body structure of strength, virility and angles,,, even if covered by a few extra pounds is pleasing to most women. SO it is definitely not necessary for men to cover up in,of course, the appropriate situations.
Sure the genders have their different ways of expressing and satisfying needs of all kinds but the basic NEEDS are the SAME!
Furthermore,implying that a man needs a “WOW FACTOR”,comprised of over exaggerated praises and insincere appreciation is rather condescending to male intelligence. Men don’t need to have their good behavior reinforced by a pat on the head like little boys or dogs. That said, genuine appreciation is always welcome.
Men may be wired differently then women but they are not stupid.!
The mature man can usually clearly discern when a woman is selling him a bill of goods trying to manipulate him into getting her what she wants... usually an engagement ring,a wedding, marriage and the security of his bank account.
Yes, it’s true,ladies...admit it!
Security is always a plus but
PRIMARILY WE ARE ALL LOOKING TO BE LOVED !
We all want to be
accepted,
respected,
appreciated,
supported emotionally,
valued
validated.
And then there are a whole lot more women out there, especially the ones still in their child bearing years, who long to be “taken care of”. To be spoiled princesses on one level or another ..raise the kids with help if possible,go get their nails done, shop for nice clothes and shoes, drive a classy car, and be the center of their man’s universe... Children or a child are often used as the GOLDEN TICKET.
To these women success is synonymous with a “good catch” ... a man who provides well, and in doing so feeds their self esteem, and their desire to stay sheltered at home.
Now before you start complaining that I am against motherhood and women who choose to stay at home to raise their children rather then contribute to the household coffers, let me be clear.
A child/children NEED a parent, and preferably two to offer them the nurturing care, guidance and discipline they need to grow into healthy adults. And many women are wonderful at doing that and only that and are happy. It is after all a very full time job when done well... in fact it is many full time jobs.
Other women need and thrive on the feedback of the outside world’s kudos, they cannot breathe without a career..., still others as mentioned above are on a mission to get married and stay home to care for themselves and their children in that order.
Self nurturing is of course necessary for all of us. But there are women who go about setting themselves up to fail at jobs, and to find men who enjoy the idea of children and demand from their husbands a soft cushion of luxury without a thought to contributing to the home environment in anyway, except to physically be there.
It surprises me how many women today actually can still trap a man into marriage by getting pregnant with his child. No more shot guns or angry fathers necessary, simply pure hearted men expected to do the RIGHT thing and make a family out of what was initially a good time full of fun dates and great sex. But perhaps that is another subject.
Back to the WOW thing.
It really should exist BUT it should exist in a relationship in BOTH directions for both genders.It should be much more then exaggerated compliments,much,much more.
Let me explain.
As mentioned above there are certain needs in relationships that are the same for both men and women with perhaps a bit of different emphasis on different needs depending on the gender. But perhaps not.
Is there anyone who exists out there who when in a relationship does not hope to feel like they belong, are accepted,respected,appreciated, desired,supported emotionally, valued and validated!?
Women perhaps are more aware of their needs, or at least verbalize or act out more within the framework of the couple when they don’t feel that their needs are being met. In other words, they are more apt to want to communicate it in various ways, and sometimes act moody and /or bitch about things to their spouse as things between them digress..
A man on the other hand may find himself staring at pornography on the computer, or kissing a coworker before he realizes that one of these things must have been missing somewhere between he and his partner or wife.
I submit to you that the “WOW FACTOR “ is no easy accomplishment. It involves all those things mentioned. and it involves them honestly,regularly,consistently and faithfully executed with only little “bleeps” or “Oopses” allowed.
Yeah, you can screw up for a short time on one or the other of these things, but continually omit one or another of this magic WOW recipe and YOU have problems... ‘cause somebody is not communicating and that means somebody isn’t getting his or her needs met..
When a man or a woman doesn't get what is needed, it is human nature to escape, to run and hide in new directions.
Unmet needs stir up all kinds of negative subconscious fears the most powerful of all being,”fear of abandonment /loss.”
When needs are not met we begin to fall into a transitional grief process that reminds us that we are all always vulnerable and that we are not immortal.
Our unconscious fear translates to discomfort which has to be quelled.
Now for women those escapes or detours may be more “innocent”..
We are wired differently after all to some extent. As I mentioned,we will usually try to communicate our needs first, if not always articulating them in the proper manner. But women do try to communicate and will almost draw pictures for their man before they move away from him to someone else.
Look for the signs.
If we, as women, don’t feel loved and appreciated we may spend too much money buying whatever we please, eat or drink too much, go out too much with the girls,start disengaging at home, start spending more time with our computers or cell phones in our hands texting happily to any one who will listen even a man,,, especially a man who might have complimented us in some way before... HA ! Go figure! If we are ignoring the housework and sometimes even the children...we have a reason. Either we are sick or we are hurting and scared. And we are listening to that other guy who is convincing us that he can offer more or at least would be WOW’ed if we threw him a crumb. HMMMM.
Sure he probably just wants to get into our pants but he’s giving us what our man isn’t.
We begin to feel needed, desirable, and loved again..maybe just because OUR man didn’t tell us every single day that we look great in those jeans.
Alright so perhaps an over exaggeration ,but you get the picture.
Are women needy... especially when their life is centered at home on little people under age12 ? Hell, yes ! We forget who we are. We lose ourselves in school work, sniffling noses, clipping coupons, kids birthday parties, holiday gift shopping and washing your dirty underwear.!
When I personally have pulled what one of the men in my life termed “my Italian sassy” trying to get a man to see where he went wrong or how I am hurt by his action or inaction,,, he will usually stand there, watch my overly dramatic expression, arms waving, mouth flapping and he will eventually laugh. Yes. He laughs.
It is not usually my nature to be hysterical and dramatic, but even I have my moments.
So, in his shock at my behavior,he laughs.
Seriously this has happened to me more then once... after a sheepish.”I’m sorry” he will tell me that all he really heard was the first line of what I said, and then began to allow his eyes to wonder over my face and body and think how hot and attractive I am when I am passionately MAD at him. Apparently I am in these instances somewhat entertaining.!
But he never gets the point at that moment so my frustration continues.,until we calmly talk things through sometime later,usually before or after great sex.
Now, if a man doesn’t get what he needs in a relationship, he will, as I said,because of his, shall I call it “unique” wiring ? look to physical and competitive outlets.
ie:
Sports in excess either playing or watching, working out,work and over work, nights out with the guys, getting lost in home or car projects.
And somewhere in these moments or afterward, he also may begin to fantasize about the great sex he has missed out on for the years he’s been “committed” and the phenomenal beauties,past and present, he could have had. He fantasizes, as some women do, about the one that got away. Wouldn’t he have been far happier with her? Why did he break up with her anyway? Had he been mistaken, or foolish? Had he expected too much from that beautiful creature who adored him, and kissed the ground he walked on but didn’t have enough of an edge to keep his interest.
He never mentions this to his spouse. Cause,guess what? Most men aren’t that verbal, especially cause they have no clue what they are feeling at first.
Men aren’t brought up to recognize what they FEEL and more importantly to EXPRESS their feelings. Men always need time to process.
Interactions with other guys even close friends often go like this:
“DUDE,,, what’s up?”
“Nothing,dude. What’s up with you?”
“Oh nothing really, just work and stuff, you know.”
Acknowledging nods and end of conversation, or interject something about some sports team or event.
The last time most men had heart to hearts with there guy friends about anything philosophical was probably in college, if they went to college, or maybe on some night when no one was around and after a few beers someone brought up something that was floating around in his head, and some other guy had had enough alcohol to reduce his feelings filter.
So,for men, the computer and the TV is flipped on to desirable fantasies and when the WOW Factor is missing for too long , like beyond the birth of the first child and into the birth of the second child..., well,let’s just say a man is more apt to act on his own base desires and needs.
He looks for ANY woman to look him dead in the eye and tell him that he is the Best, the greatest, the most wonderful,,, and quite frankly this is enough for him to reconnect with the arousal he has so long been missing. Or she may just need to touch his nipples, show him hers, or brush up against his crotch.
Why do men cheat?
Because they can.. because intimate encounters to them often have far less to do with intimacy then satisfying the proverbial itch.......
They cheat when they feel they are entitled to reward themselves because they have been such exceptional providers and their wives and mother of their children will be willing to look the other way to maintain her lifestyle.
They cheat because they are in some way missing the “WOW Factor.”
Now I hear women saying,”BUT even when the kids were small I never said NO to him, not once did I deny his sexual needs.” And I always made his favorite dinners and waited up for him when he worked late.
This may all be true. But it wasn’t WOW enough.
Because the truth is that at some point in your relationship did you listen, could you listen to him describe how he shot the ball into hoop for that extra point,, or how expertly he drove the ball into the 7th hole,how he got the boss to do it better with the same enthusiasm you had way back when.?
Did you really listen like you would have when you first were dating?
Were you still, after two children, or one child and a job, able to show enthusiasm and gratitude for the house he strung with lights at Christmas time, or him carrying out the garbage, or locking up the doors on his way to bed at night to keep you safe.
There it is... You didn’t, you don’t, you couldn’t. you can’t because you have other priorities and because you thought that he GOT the fact that NOW you were his wife and his sports efforts aren’t so impressive to you any more. OK,,,so they never were that impressive but watching him describe them early on in the relationship with his eyes all wide and his face all aglow and that handsome smile kept you glued to him..He was hot and exciting then. You could get caught up in his enthusiasm... but now...?
Now you have to go nurse the baby and hopefully have the time to wash your hair.
Like wise, guys, you are no longer staring gleefully at your woman in the department store as she picks out a dress, ready to tell her how hot she will look in it..because you have other priorities,,,you are missing the game, and she is spending MORE of YOUR money and you never expected marriage to be sooo expensive and she won’t be tossing that dress off for you to get your fair share of your sexual needs met because she will be busy with the kids, housework,her career, or just too darn tired.
There aren’t any more “dates”. There are planned nights out with relatives and the same old friends.
There is no more sex on the kitchen floor. There is, in fact . little sex of any variation in bed.
There is no spontaneity anymore.
There is no more interest in what you did all day, because you both already KNOW each other all too well .
Still and yet there is hope.
If you both have a strong belief in your dedication to anything bigger then yourselves... that is, in the sacredness and sanctity of marriage. If you both BELIEVE in the GOOD of the Universe, God, in the part of GOD that is within each of you. If you look at SOUL and Spirit,
You can meet together at an apex of deepening dedication to the Greater Whole, and to each other.
Yes, here’s where the Spiritualism, where the religion comes in.
Believe in the value of each other as you have learned about it in Scripture, The Word, your book whatever YOUR book is, in the teachings of the Great Masters and valuing self and each other flows naturally.
This “WOW Factor” thing isn’t all that difficult, but it does take some effort to continue to stay focused on at least one thing that is greater then the two of you. The purity of LOVE requires a commitment to Self, and the ONENESS of the bond between the two of you.
Dedicate your life to a Higher Purpose, a Higher Power and each of you will find that dedication to each other will flow so much more freely.
It requires submission to EACH OTHER.
It requires an effort in time to understand.
It is not about being RIGHT. It is a matter of being willing to listen, to process, to hear, to validate, to communicate a desire to know what the other person is feeling, and to respect those feelings even when you don’t agree and/or don’t understand at that very moment.
It requires the same validations we needed as children to some degree.
Instead of harsh criticism and sarcasm it responds to kind words of appreciation, the thank yous, and the non sexual touches and hugs, the heart felt looks into each others eyes.
The acknowledgments that I know who you are, I know what you need and I care enough about you to listen and try to provide that for you.
I have not been for any length of time in such a “marriage”... though I have had such relationships for a time, before we lost our way.
I have not had the privilege of knowing a man who was willing to know me and to care enough about me to love me in such a way.
But I can tell you that I know that after being single for some time now and some months of celibacy that I am much clearer as to where I want to be emotionally when I next begin a relationship. I have learned to love genuinely and deeply without the sexual.
In the future, transition into a complete relationship will be so much easier.
I have learned through a good man and a good church what real love looks like.
It has been fascinating to me...thought provoking actually.
Without the “WOW Factor” a relationship cannot last.
Without a common dedication to GOD, to a Higher Power in our every day lives,true and lasting Love for each other cannot be sustained.
That’s the “WOW Factor” I am looking for now.
THINK ABOUT IT.
If you have the “Wow” in your relationship now, appreciate it.
If you have found that person that meets your needs, Intellectually, Physically,Emotionally, and Spiritually then you are, indeed, fortunate.
If not I hope you find him or her.
To find the “WOW”, I suggest that you look within your SELF... and then beyond your Self and that other person who you hope to partner with for the rest of your life.
I suggest that you both look UP.
There is something very “WOW FACTOR” about two people focusing their attention first on their Higher Power and then meeting in that commonality of mutual respect and devotion.
It takes time, it takes patience.
So it is said:”Love is patient.”
Go find it.
Life is Good.
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