The "WOW FACTOR"

Dating : Exploring The “WOW” Factor

I promised this Blog entry under a different Blog title some time ago.
But I am blogging it here because this advice, is strategic to the success of any relationship. It is not ADULT CONTENT... but it raises questions and gives answers that require the mature content of an adult mind, as rare as that maturity may seem at times.

So let’s get down to it.

The “WOW Factor” has been discussed by other Life Coach and Dating Specialists as advice to woman only. It has been touted as another task for women to perform to keep their man.
Women I have spoken to often complain that these dating and relationship gurus often point out that it is the woman’s responsibility to keep the relationship together.
It falls to her. The implication is that men are incapable of controlling their animalistic, primal instinct and in their selfish self focused voids, they will inevitably attempt to satisfy their insecure ego and their need to enjoy a sexual smorgasbord.
The “WOW” has been said to be the one thing that makes a relationship lasting. So this WOW FACTOR requires that a woman make her man feel like he is her SUPER HERO.

First let me weigh in personally on this matter.

I’m NOT buying into it.! Well, at least I am not completely sold.

Yep, men have primal instincts,,, AND, now please hold on to your seats,...so do women! Especially before and after their need to mother their children. Women, if their hormones are healthy, enjoy variety too. Oh, and yes, women can be very visual as well. They can and some do enjoy sex. Surprise,Surprise.!
As mentioned in another blog the female body may be more pleasant in its curvature but the male body structure of strength, virility and angles,,, even if covered by a few extra pounds is pleasing to most women. SO it is definitely not necessary for men to cover up in,of course, the appropriate situations.

Sure the genders have their different ways of expressing and satisfying needs of all kinds but the basic NEEDS are the SAME!

Furthermore,implying that a man needs a “WOW FACTOR”,comprised of over exaggerated praises and insincere appreciation is rather condescending to male intelligence. Men don’t need to have their good behavior reinforced by a pat on the head like little boys or dogs. That said, genuine appreciation is always welcome.

Men may be wired differently then women but they are not stupid.!

The mature man can usually clearly discern when a woman is selling him a bill of goods trying to manipulate him into getting her what she wants... usually an engagement ring,a wedding, marriage and the security of his bank account.

Yes, it’s true,ladies...admit it!
Security is always a plus but
PRIMARILY WE ARE ALL LOOKING TO BE LOVED !

We all want to be
accepted,
respected,
appreciated,
supported emotionally,
valued
validated.

And then there are a whole lot more women out there, especially the ones still in their child bearing years, who long to be “taken care of”. To be spoiled princesses on one level or another ..raise the kids with help if possible,go get their nails done, shop for nice clothes and shoes, drive a classy car, and be the center of their man’s universe... Children or a child are often used as the GOLDEN TICKET.
To these women success is synonymous with a “good catch” ... a man who provides well, and in doing so feeds their self esteem, and their desire to stay sheltered at home.

Now before you start complaining that I am against motherhood and women who choose to stay at home to raise their children rather then contribute to the household coffers, let me be clear.

A child/children NEED a parent, and preferably two to offer them the nurturing care, guidance and discipline they need to grow into healthy adults. And many women are wonderful at doing that and only that and are happy. It is after all a very full time job when done well... in fact it is many full time jobs.
Other women need and thrive on the feedback of the outside world’s kudos, they cannot breathe without a career..., still others as mentioned above are on a mission to get married and stay home to care for themselves and their children in that order.
Self nurturing is of course necessary for all of us. But there are women who go about setting themselves up to fail at jobs, and to find men who enjoy the idea of children and demand from their husbands a soft cushion of luxury without a thought to contributing to the home environment in anyway, except to physically be there.

It surprises me how many women today actually can still trap a man into marriage by getting pregnant with his child. No more shot guns or angry fathers necessary, simply pure hearted men expected to do the RIGHT thing and make a family out of what was initially a good time full of fun dates and great sex. But perhaps that is another subject.

Back to the WOW thing.
It really should exist BUT it should exist in a relationship in BOTH directions for both genders.It should be much more then exaggerated compliments,much,much more.

Let me explain.

As mentioned above there are certain needs in relationships that are the same for both men and women with perhaps a bit of different emphasis on different needs depending on the gender. But perhaps not.
Is there anyone who exists out there who when in a relationship does not hope to feel like they belong, are accepted,respected,appreciated, desired,supported emotionally, valued and validated!?

Women perhaps are more aware of their needs, or at least verbalize or act out more within the framework of the couple when they don’t feel that their needs are being met. In other words, they are more apt to want to communicate it in various ways, and sometimes act moody and /or bitch about things to their spouse as things between them digress..

A man on the other hand may find himself staring at pornography on the computer, or kissing a coworker before he realizes that one of these things must have been missing somewhere between he and his partner or wife.

I submit to you that the “WOW FACTOR “ is no easy accomplishment. It involves all those things mentioned. and it involves them honestly,regularly,consistently and faithfully executed with only little “bleeps” or “Oopses” allowed.

Yeah, you can screw up for a short time on one or the other of these things, but continually omit one or another of this magic WOW recipe and YOU have problems... ‘cause somebody is not communicating and that means somebody isn’t getting his or her needs met..

When a man or a woman doesn't get what is needed, it is human nature to escape, to run and hide in new directions.
Unmet needs stir up all kinds of negative subconscious fears the most powerful of all being,”fear of abandonment /loss.”
When needs are not met we begin to fall into a transitional grief process that reminds us that we are all always vulnerable and that we are not immortal.
Our unconscious fear translates to discomfort which has to be quelled.

Now for women those escapes or detours may be more “innocent”..
We are wired differently after all to some extent. As I mentioned,we will usually try to communicate our needs first, if not always articulating them in the proper manner. But women do try to communicate and will almost draw pictures for their man before they move away from him to someone else.

Look for the signs.

If we, as women, don’t feel loved and appreciated we may spend too much money buying whatever we please, eat or drink too much, go out too much with the girls,start disengaging at home, start spending more time with our computers or cell phones in our hands texting happily to any one who will listen even a man,,, especially a man who might have complimented us in some way before... HA ! Go figure! If we are ignoring the housework and sometimes even the children...we have a reason. Either we are sick or we are hurting and scared. And we are listening to that other guy who is convincing us that he can offer more or at least would be WOW’ed if we threw him a crumb. HMMMM.
Sure he probably just wants to get into our pants but he’s giving us what our man isn’t.
We begin to feel needed, desirable, and loved again..maybe just because OUR man didn’t tell us every single day that we look great in those jeans.
Alright so perhaps an over exaggeration ,but you get the picture.

Are women needy... especially when their life is centered at home on little people under age12 ? Hell, yes ! We forget who we are. We lose ourselves in school work, sniffling noses, clipping coupons, kids birthday parties, holiday gift shopping and washing your dirty underwear.!

When I personally have pulled what one of the men in my life termed “my Italian sassy” trying to get a man to see where he went wrong or how I am hurt by his action or inaction,,, he will usually stand there, watch my overly dramatic expression, arms waving, mouth flapping and he will eventually laugh. Yes. He laughs.
It is not usually my nature to be hysterical and dramatic, but even I have my moments.
So, in his shock at my behavior,he laughs.

Seriously this has happened to me more then once... after a sheepish.”I’m sorry” he will tell me that all he really heard was the first line of what I said, and then began to allow his eyes to wonder over my face and body and think how hot and attractive I am when I am passionately MAD at him. Apparently I am in these instances somewhat entertaining.!
But he never gets the point at that moment so my frustration continues.,until we calmly talk things through sometime later,usually before or after great sex.


Now, if a man doesn’t get what he needs in a relationship, he will, as I said,because of his, shall I call it “unique” wiring ? look to physical and competitive outlets.
ie:
Sports in excess either playing or watching, working out,work and over work, nights out with the guys, getting lost in home or car projects.
And somewhere in these moments or afterward, he also may begin to fantasize about the great sex he has missed out on for the years he’s been “committed” and the phenomenal beauties,past and present, he could have had. He fantasizes, as some women do, about the one that got away. Wouldn’t he have been far happier with her? Why did he break up with her anyway? Had he been mistaken, or foolish? Had he expected too much from that beautiful creature who adored him, and kissed the ground he walked on but didn’t have enough of an edge to keep his interest.
He never mentions this to his spouse. Cause,guess what? Most men aren’t that verbal, especially cause they have no clue what they are feeling at first.
Men aren’t brought up to recognize what they FEEL and more importantly to EXPRESS their feelings. Men always need time to process.

Interactions with other guys even close friends often go like this:
“DUDE,,, what’s up?”
“Nothing,dude. What’s up with you?”
“Oh nothing really, just work and stuff, you know.”
Acknowledging nods and end of conversation, or interject something about some sports team or event.
The last time most men had heart to hearts with there guy friends about anything philosophical was probably in college, if they went to college, or maybe on some night when no one was around and after a few beers someone brought up something that was floating around in his head, and some other guy had had enough alcohol to reduce his feelings filter.

So,for men, the computer and the TV is flipped on to desirable fantasies and when the WOW Factor is missing for too long , like beyond the birth of the first child and into the birth of the second child..., well,let’s just say a man is more apt to act on his own base desires and needs.
He looks for ANY woman to look him dead in the eye and tell him that he is the Best, the greatest, the most wonderful,,, and quite frankly this is enough for him to reconnect with the arousal he has so long been missing. Or she may just need to touch his nipples, show him hers, or brush up against his crotch.

Why do men cheat?
Because they can.. because intimate encounters to them often have far less to do with intimacy then satisfying the proverbial itch.......
They cheat when they feel they are entitled to reward themselves because they have been such exceptional providers and their wives and mother of their children will be willing to look the other way to maintain her lifestyle.
They cheat because they are in some way missing the “WOW Factor.”

Now I hear women saying,”BUT even when the kids were small I never said NO to him, not once did I deny his sexual needs.” And I always made his favorite dinners and waited up for him when he worked late.

This may all be true. But it wasn’t WOW enough.

Because the truth is that at some point in your relationship did you listen, could you listen to him describe how he shot the ball into hoop for that extra point,, or how expertly he drove the ball into the 7th hole,how he got the boss to do it better with the same enthusiasm you had way back when.?
Did you really listen like you would have when you first were dating?
Were you still, after two children, or one child and a job, able to show enthusiasm and gratitude for the house he strung with lights at Christmas time, or him carrying out the garbage, or locking up the doors on his way to bed at night to keep you safe.

There it is... You didn’t, you don’t, you couldn’t. you can’t because you have other priorities and because you thought that he GOT the fact that NOW you were his wife and his sports efforts aren’t so impressive to you any more. OK,,,so they never were that impressive but watching him describe them early on in the relationship with his eyes all wide and his face all aglow and that handsome smile kept you glued to him..He was hot and exciting then. You could get caught up in his enthusiasm... but now...?
Now you have to go nurse the baby and hopefully have the time to wash your hair.

Like wise, guys, you are no longer staring gleefully at your woman in the department store as she picks out a dress, ready to tell her how hot she will look in it..because you have other priorities,,,you are missing the game, and she is spending MORE of YOUR money and you never expected marriage to be sooo expensive and she won’t be tossing that dress off for you to get your fair share of your sexual needs met because she will be busy with the kids, housework,her career, or just too darn tired.

There aren’t any more “dates”. There are planned nights out with relatives and the same old friends.
There is no more sex on the kitchen floor. There is, in fact . little sex of any variation in bed.
There is no spontaneity anymore.
There is no more interest in what you did all day, because you both already KNOW each other all too well .

Still and yet there is hope.

If you both have a strong belief in your dedication to anything bigger then yourselves... that is, in the sacredness and sanctity of marriage. If you both BELIEVE in the GOOD of the Universe, God, in the part of GOD that is within each of you. If you look at SOUL and Spirit,
You can meet together at an apex of deepening dedication to the Greater Whole, and to each other.

Yes, here’s where the Spiritualism, where the religion comes in.

Believe in the value of each other as you have learned about it in Scripture, The Word, your book whatever YOUR book is, in the teachings of the Great Masters and valuing self and each other flows naturally.

This “WOW Factor” thing isn’t all that difficult, but it does take some effort to continue to stay focused on at least one thing that is greater then the two of you. The purity of LOVE requires a commitment to Self, and the ONENESS of the bond between the two of you.

Dedicate your life to a Higher Purpose, a Higher Power and each of you will find that dedication to each other will flow so much more freely.

It requires submission to EACH OTHER.

It requires an effort in time to understand.

It is not about being RIGHT. It is a matter of being willing to listen, to process, to hear, to validate, to communicate a desire to know what the other person is feeling, and to respect those feelings even when you don’t agree and/or don’t understand at that very moment.

It requires the same validations we needed as children to some degree.
Instead of harsh criticism and sarcasm it responds to kind words of appreciation, the thank yous, and the non sexual touches and hugs, the heart felt looks into each others eyes.
The acknowledgments that I know who you are, I know what you need and I care enough about you to listen and try to provide that for you.

I have not been for any length of time in such a “marriage”... though I have had such relationships for a time, before we lost our way.
I have not had the privilege of knowing a man who was willing to know me and to care enough about me to love me in such a way.

But I can tell you that I know that after being single for some time now and some months of celibacy that I am much clearer as to where I want to be emotionally when I next begin a relationship. I have learned to love genuinely and deeply without the sexual.

In the future, transition into a complete relationship will be so much easier.
I have learned through a good man and a good church what real love looks like.

It has been fascinating to me...thought provoking actually.

Without the “WOW Factor” a relationship cannot last.

Without a common dedication to GOD, to a Higher Power in our every day lives,true and lasting Love for each other cannot be sustained.

That’s the “WOW Factor” I am looking for now.
THINK ABOUT IT.

If you have the “Wow” in your relationship now, appreciate it.
If you have found that person that meets your needs, Intellectually, Physically,Emotionally, and Spiritually then you are, indeed, fortunate.

If not I hope you find him or her.

To find the “WOW”, I suggest that you look within your SELF... and then beyond your Self and that other person who you hope to partner with for the rest of your life.
I suggest that you both look UP.

There is something very “WOW FACTOR” about two people focusing their attention first on their Higher Power and then meeting in that commonality of mutual respect and devotion.
It takes time, it takes patience.
So it is said:”Love is patient.”
Go find it.
Life is Good.